Something I got done today.
I'm flying to LAX tomorrow morning from Dubai, which means a 2 hour drive + a 17 hour flight. Yuck full stop

[I am still in need of a writing job]

I drink a lot of tea. Stomach Easing, Slimming, Skin Clearing, green, black, white, Chai, English Breakfast and Earl Grey, to be specific. I recently found out that the tabs of my Yogi Tea bags have little sayings on it. I have one for you:

"Happiness is taking things as they are"

[I am still in need of a writing job]

MY BODY IS MY INSTRUMENT

DUDE! MINUTES after that last post where I talked about finding the perfect piece to show off my F-hole tattoo, I find this t-shirt on some website called Threadless. So my back's off days are covered too (no pun intended). They need this in black or white though.

[I am still in need of a writing job]

STIMULATION IN BODY AND CELL FOR THE GOOD AND MISGUIDED

*SIGH* Boredom harbours lust. Current 5:

SO wrong it's SICK velvet leggings by Members Only

Sort of VERY reminiscent of some awesome dresses spotted on Obesity and Speed, I know, but I like this one more because of the exposed lower back. Finally, a decent piece that can show off my Man Ray inspired F-hole tattoos.

Balmain. Leather.

WHAT?! Delfina Delettrez Fendi craziness.

I just threw this in because I had forgotten that while selling my stuff on Brick Lane, I ended up selling my favourite purple scarf from around my neck out of desperation when this woman was gushing over it. And this babe is the only purple one I've seen so far that trumps that one. But $28 for a scarf is some beyond borders bullshit.

[I am still in need of a writing job]

WE COULD BUILD OUR OWN VERSION OF SOCIETY

Just dreaming with the help of tight modern interiors website Plastolux.

[I am still in need of a writing job]

AND DON'T YOU DARE MAKE FUN OF ME CUZ EVERYTHING I DO WAS FEATURED ON THE PAGES OF i-D

haha.
When I haven't been paying attention to your virtual needs, I've been working, shopping, packing, list-making, reading, sleeping, brooding and browsing RVCA blogs.

What band is this? I love the kinds of bands that are sprouting up these days. Just add a member with an unruly perm, some shiny leggings and you're good to go.

Hard to write these days as...L.A. IS HAPPENING IN FUCKING DAYS!

[I am still in need of a writing job]

LIFE IS SHORT. STUNT IT.

Clearly, I had an idle moment recently and took in the movie Hot Rod that was conveniently On Demand on the flat screen. I confess. I laughed. I do quite like Andy Samberg actually. But anyway, his stunt outfit is my current clothing inspiration; and his quote 'Life is short. Stunt it.' is so fucking hilarious. It NEEDS to be on a t-shirt (is it? Please direct me to it.). I think I need me some high top Vans now. Time for an upgrade. Which reminds me, I have a pair of faithfully crusty green Converse high tops at the bottom of one of my unpacked suitcases dying for some wearage. Might take them out for a spin tomorrow. I'm renting a bike for an hour to fuck around with along the Corniche (waterfront).

I'm trying to mix up my workout routine. Today I did one of those 30 minute treadmill workout programmes where they fuck with your head and your feet and change the speed and incline like every fucking minute. And then I did laps in the pool. I also do yoga and have been trying out that crossfit hellishness that my boyfriend recommended, along with other odd bits at the gym but I get bored easily with workouts so it would be good to take it to the streets tomorrow. Would kill to get some tennis in but I think the punishing heat here would kill me first. Tennis just doesn't happen this time of year. And because of a similar weather problem, it isn't 'surfing season' in Dubai. So I'm obviously counting the days like a prison inmate until Los Angeles happens.

On Wednesday I'm getting my breasts checked; and it's not because of an amazing blogger's unsuspecting incident. I've always had on-again-off-again cyst and soreness problems ever since I started tampering with contraceptive pills (no big deal, but...maybe it is?) and the other day I failed to keep my mouth shut about some pain and my mom panicked like fuck. No harm, I guess. Plus I haven't gotten them checked in over 8 months. And who knows if those damn British medical people even knew what the fuck they were talking about? Not panicking, I promise.

P.S. Until my employment status gets pimped, I'll be posting 'I am still in need of a writing job' at the end of every post.

PURPLE DIARY PT. 2

Yesterday was not so good. My mom was throwing a surprise going away party for one of her oldest friends in Abu Dhabi and I took over the design and decorating reigns. The theme was Christmas in July...I was lugging fuckin' christmas trees from the basement with a string of lights wrapped around my waist like a good idea for a belt. At the same time, the other day I started taking exercise routines from this website called crossfit.com and wouldn't leave the gym until I had good and proper fucked myself up. So, getting up on a ladder to string lights meant throwing myself off it to get down. I could not bend anything in my lower body, and I was smiling about it (I love gym pain). But okay, so why was it a bad day. After about 8 hours of feeling like style director of House Beautiful, I realised the door to our dog's little room was wide open. Turns out my dad took the dog first thing in the morning to be put down without telling any of us. Dropped what I was doing and went bawling to my room. This was an hour before showtime, as I was also invited to the party. Your girl got good and proper dressed the fuck up and good and proper wasted. She also sliced her leg open on the door of the stove SOMEHOW??! I hadn't even noticed how bad it was until my leg started spurting shit everywhere. Squeezed the bits of flesh together while my mom threw on some plasters, the colour of which I obviously stopped to choose, then my sister brought me some ice cream and I took myself to my room. I woke up with the phone off the hook in my left hand. Panda said I called him and talked about cats crossing streets, asked him why he loved me and bawled some more about my dog then passed out 5 minutes later. The end.

Oh, and the greasy shit's honey. I've been reading up a lot on food lately and how they can cure basically everything you normally turn to over the counter junk for. And honey supposedly kills bacteria, disinfects wounds and sores, reduces perception to pain, alleviates asthma, soothes sore throats, calms the nerves, induces sleep and relieves diarrhea...and smells good. I'm truly amazed by food now and am hoping to ween myself off of drugs this year. I'm so proud of myself for not grabbing two aspirin first thing this morning for my throbbing hangover and just green tea'ing it back to health instead. What a fucking hippie.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR PART AND LEAVE ME ALONE IN MINE

Latest buys in the shoe department just posin' and shit on my shower ledge. Office/Topshop.

I've been believing in fate a lot lately, and so when I excused myself to go to the bathroom when my family and I were dining at a restaurant in one of the mega malls here, I really went to try on these Topshop heels that I passed earlier and doubted. I hadn't tried them because my foot's so big that stores usually never have my size over here (small feet/fair skin/hairless a woman maketh in this society). But I saw it again and I was actually coincidentally thinking of purchasing something hookerishly tall for the summer. Well, it was the last pair, it was my size and I got a ridic discount on it that reduced it from like $425 dirhams to $382 dhs (about £63). For me, that's still expensive but because of fate and the fact that cheap shoes ALWAYS have agendas (these Primarks nearly severed half my toes), I've decided to put forward a lot more cash on my future footwear. Feet are just too fuckin' precious.

AND IF YOU'RE COMING, JUMP

Thursday I took a bus into Dubai and met some hot chicks with eyebrow piercings in their SUV in the parking lot of a grocery store and bought a clear retainer to put in my septum piercing off them. That's a long sentence. I love bus rides...and watermelon juice, sunglasses, having time to do non-required reading (The White Tiger is going sooo good)... It was good that I had to go all the way there to get that retainer. It was disgustingly hot but the little trip did me good. Kept my mind off my dog.

AND THE HARDEST PART WAS NOT LETTING GO NOT TAKING PART

This is my dog Rigby. Well, my brother's. He asked for him for his 18th birthday. He came into our lives in October 2008 as a frantic little puppy that I thought had popped a couple MDMA. But no, that was not his case. He was just an awesome fuckin' puppy. He pissed everywhere and ate my socks, but it was pure love.

I was busy sleeping my life away when he came into my room to wake and greet me this afternoon, along with my brother at the other end of the leash. He promptly started chewing on my neon pink flip flops. I tossed my sheets and my hair and stared at him thinking how much I loved him. They had just returned from the vet's seeing about his bum leg. Despite his manic bounds and leaps around the house to attack my mom's newly bought plants decorating the foyer, he's still been in a great deal of pain. Running is no problem; he just can't walk very well. And when I take him outside to use the bathroom, he sometimes ends up pissing on himself because he can't raise the bum leg, and if he raises the other, the bum leg can't support his back weight. So...it just really fucking sucks.
This is my dog Rigby. My father can't pay for the surgery. It's just way out of his budget right now. They're going to put him down. So if you live in Dubai or Abu Dhabi and don't want to see this happen and think it's in your power to do something about it, please write me. It would mean so much to me. I just can't let that happen right now. I won't be able to take it.

PURPLE DIARY

PURPLE HAS BEEN INFILTRATING MY LIFE FOR THE LAST COUPLE YEARS! So while everyone else is tributing the late M.J. (In the Closet was THE best thing that happened to me musically at the age of 10, but what can I say? I'm just not in the mood for mourning), I shall pay homage to this perennial slice of the rainbow. And this is a mere fraction of my disgustingly vast Violet Beauregarde'd horde.

[really! purple laces: River Island; mirrored cloth knapsack: from a stall at the Old Souq in Dubai; yoga mat: Nike; scrub thing: at your local Boots or something; Palmolive Anti-Stess Aromatherapy Shower Gel with Patchouli, Ylang ylang and Lavender: same as scrub, I guess; exercise ball: ?]

I kinda hate it when I do two consecutive fashion posts but I suppose this is more of a 'Things I Love Tuesdays' meets the colour purple. I was complaining to Panda this morning about how I have a serious lack of things to share with you lately (which I obviously still do), so after watching Dumb and Dumber, I took out my camera and locked myself and some pretty things in the bathroom.

With the help of my mother's impressive wrist-flicking movements while swiping some serious plastic, I was able to start the slow and steady process of replenishing my wardrobe's dwindling post London contents. And as the summer sales are now in full swing, I have a pretty fucking decent armful of fashion newbies in tow that I ACTUALLY don't mind showing you. Turning a new leaf is so fun...and so in fashion.

I actually only have three new buys pictured here (yoga mat, necklace, bag) because I got colour scheme side-tracked (fail!) but runner up posts will no doubt include the rest.

But we must recap on the cultural necklace! It's soooo cool. I bought it at one of the local markets for like the equivalent of 3 quid. And that was only because I 'have a berry bootiful smile'. It's usually filled with arabic perfume or eyeliner and they use the very lethal looking metal prong thing to apply it. Hang that around your neck and you're golden for the day. But I think I'm okay with it having just the one garb garnishing function. Don't really fancy eyeball tetanus.

Other things I like right now:
garlic (did you know sticking a clove of garlic inside your vagina and leaving it there overnight can get rid of a yeast infection? And despite the raging TMI factor of that statement, I'll still find you here tomorrow, am I right?)
Desperate Housewives
fresh watermelon juice
El Dia de los Muertos
impossible heels
fate
the guy singing 5am muslim prayer on loudspeaker somewhere VERY nearby
Native American make-up
those much whispered about Nina Ricci heel-less boots (namely numero uno (MORE PURPLE!))
books about the health benefits of foods in alphabetical order like...
crucifixes
back to back old school Tom and Jerry on the projector in the kid's section of the Marina Mall food court
2 hour bus rides to Dubai
Dandayamana Dhanurasana pose
and Bolthouse Farms Perfectly Protein Vanilla Chai Tea (this cold madness with soy milk, green and chai tea and all this crazy natural good shit blah blah blah which, I swear, if you put this on drip for me, I could quit Starbucks)

I may be heading to Dubai tomorrow to meet this courier who's bringing me this clear retainer for my septum piercing so I can take pictures without embarassing my dad and snag job interviews without embarassing myself. I also have a hip problem. Calling the physiotherapist tomorrow for an appointment.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Just reminiscing about how sick The Blonds are (in occasional spurts); namely with regards to that spike-ridden corset. And will you dribble over those leather spike-kneed trousers and that collar dripping in chains? Yeah, I think you should. The more hardware the better! This is SO Dimmu Borgir or something...

Annoyingly awesome celebrity combination? Check. Panda, you know who this is.

PAPER CHASE

And I'm just one of a billion other people who DIDN'T think of this first! (from Vantity Farm) Really...really...REALLY anxious to get on my own two feet and own a dope apartment. I've actually been thinking a lot about that lately. Not toilet paper, but this Miss Independent stuff. So can someone please give me a decent job already? Preferably one where a new laptop, pyjamas and luxuriously tossed sheets are involved.

So my L.A trip has been cut back slightly due to the fact that all these major official documents I own are all expiring at the same time. So there's about to be a lot of blood sampling, cotton swabbing, eye and thumb scanning and picture taking. And if you'll notice a couple picture posts back, home girl has a bull ring (my dad hasn't failed to point out half a dozen times). And it's now become, 'Get rid of that ring [that same bull ring that will keep you unemployed, judged and embarassing as my eldest child representative] and I'll help you get a cheaper ticket to L.A.'

So...I'm now on the hunt for a transparent filler for my newborn hole. But guess what? The U.A.E. has made tattoo and piercing studios illegal! Isn't that super? But luckily, it should be fully healed in a little over a week so I might be able to stick my own cleansed and trembling fingers up my nostrils and sort something out just before picture time. Wish me luck because I think it's kind of sexy now!

LOVE SEX MAGIC

I thought as I'm here, I might as well just upload a couple pictures I saved on my laptop eons ago.

I'm likin' Ji's look here....as usual.

And this Lim jacket

And of course a little Kiki de Montparnasse

Two sets of MADNESS from Jak and Jil!

Rayment twins a la the Matrix anyone? LOVES IT!

And lastly, of course, this fucking Rick Owens squeamishness!

I'D LIE IN THE SAND AND VISUALIZE

So...these days I'm generally reluctant to test the new music waters but this is my new favourite listen. Okay, maybe it's relatively old but did you read what I just said?

And El Dia de los Muertos...yeah, love it. I'm definitely feeling fashion inspiration from it and the video. I'm buzzed. Sorta bored of my piercing already, which works out for my dad. Plus Panda isn't keen on it. So what's next? I mean to say...I'm not taking it out yet, but I think I need something else...so what?

Current listen sorted. As for current read...

Gave in and bought this at the airport after Mistress Ivy left yesterday. Went for a blood test to renew my residency visa then today I spent the day rotting in bed. I hate how easy it is to just give up on everything you were working on with a friend after they leave. Didn't do any yoga today or set foot anywhere near our upstairs gym. I spent a great deal running those thoughts through my mind though while tuning into a marathon of CANDY GIRLS! (FUN-NESS! - I don't ever watch TV really but when I do I get addicted to THE VILEST 'reality' shows). I'm going to apply to be a Candy Girl. Why not? It's not like there are any other jobs around these days...unless you can think of some crazy way to exploit yourself on video for MTV or E! So if you ask me, I'm thinkin' ahead. I might even start videotaping my family. I've been zoning out all day and pretending I wasn't a part of it but rather a TV audience. My family is MADE for TV! MADE!

DEATHPROOF

2 things. Even though I found out my US Residency application was accepted yesterday, I still had a pretty shit day + the best fun I've ever had at the cinema was when I went to see Deathproof/Planet Terror in San Jose 2 years ago with Panda. I love old Grindhouse movies so naturally, I tuned in last night when Deathproof came on TV, rather than opting for Mistress Ivy's suggestion of having a night out. I can't imagine why you wouldn't have already seen this one but the gist is, Kiwi homegirl in pink (sexy stunt woman Zoe Bell - in real life and on screen) came all the way to America to visit her friends and to test drive this white Dodge Challenger a la Vanishing Point and do the Ship's Mass stunt on it. Then this crazy old stunt man on the road in his deathproof car (Kurt Russell) comes terrorising them. See the movie. He kills some sexy bitches in a seriously unsexy limb-tearing way earlier on. But this set of bitches just won't have it after he nearly kills them all. So this is the ending scene where they kick his lily ass and which I swear was making my underwear a wild waterslide at a major theme park. Watch past the credits too. Ooh and the end song is sooo good.

So that, with bad expensive red wine from my parent's cabinet, some hummus, pita, tabbouleh and grilled halloumi more than made my night. I'm really loving vegetarianism out here and am getting into the healthy eating crap. It can be fun.

SHE SAID I'VE REACHED ANOTHER ADOLESCENT MONSOON

Yes I did, and I told you I would. Summer Ball. I came. I saw. I got punched in the nose. And that was a week after I had it done. Gorgeous mess doesn't even cover it.

MADNESS TO THE METHOD

Mom's really killer house + her status as a certified interior designer = me doing her portfolio up for her and possibly jumping on the bandwagon with her since I'm jobless in the city. Because getting your nails done with your mom is WAY out these days, we're getting our business cards done together! Here are just a few of the shots I took of our apartment that will hopefully soon be featured in her portfolio and new website.
I definitely suckled some of the decorating skills from her ample bosom so she recently paid me a little som'n som'n to organize the dining arrangement for this themed birthday dinner party she was throwing to surprise a friend. So, no, the random ball lanterns in the corner aren't part of the house's original setup. The theme was Oriental so I was up on ladders slapping shit to the ceiling...just, nonsense. ridonculous. I'm just like her though. Once I get started, I go to deathly measures to get the absolute best out of any item's potential. Mistress Ivy went sunbathing at the pool for hours and came back and we weren't done. By the time I was, I was cranky as hell and didn't feel like doing anything. Plus I wasn't invited to the already fully seated party. Ivy and I did go out for sashimi and unagi rolls though, which naturally cheered me straight up. Nothing gets better than raw salmon and barbecued eel. Well, I suppose a decorating job would.

...grrr toying with the idea of being my mom's partner is definitely not making me at ease about my future. I mean it might mean having to live here in Abu Dhabi, where I know the clientele is raking it in and totally off their rockers for stylish, elaborate interiors, but on the other hand, it unfortunately also means my relationship with Panda will be even moreso long distance. Like how completely polar are Abu Dhabi and Los Angeles? Fuxsake. Stay tuned....

I NEED A JOB

No point sugar-coating it with a fancy song lyric title. I need a job. I'm in Abu Dhabi now. Don't wanna work here. Don't wanna live here. Great for risque holiday trysts with your girlfriend though. Spending a night in the desert. Hyenas included.
Oh and this too. Yet another license I MUST obtain before I die. Actually, I just checked my driver's license and it expires at the end of the month. Meanwhile, my Abu Dhabi resident visa expires in august. Getting a blood test tomorrow. If I have AIDS they're gonna kick me out. Meanwhile multiplied by 2(!!!) my U.S. residency application finally came through. It was accepted. Next up, the interview. And there you have a quick summary of the comings and goings around here.