Saturday, December 26, 2009


So I got a lot of great gifts this year; things I actually didn't know I was getting too (which is rare). But one thing I expect to receive from my parents without fail every year is some sort of self-help book or two. It's fascinating.

So this time around I got 3:
-The 5 Essential People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts (honestly, I think my dad and I should go through this one together)
-God Explained in a Taxi Ride (I admire their persistence with this God thing, really)
and Skinny Bitchin'

which I picked out myself, of course. I've read their other bitchy books and learned a lot of really good bitchy stuff about being skinny and cooking skinny, so now that I'm skinny, I figured I needed to learn how to work it, so I put this in my skinny stocking. It's like an annotated journal chock full of skinny bitch advice. Let me share some:

Know this and be okay with it: Not everyone is going to like you.

Feeling sorry for yourself? Have at it. Bask in your misery for a solid fifteen minutes. But then get it together and cut the shit! Life's too short. Deal with what's ailing you and put it behind you.

Are you a pussy? Stand up for yourself today. Are you a bully? Be gentle today.

Get your fat ass off the couch and go to the gym, go for a hike, or go ride a bike. Push yourself today (in a healthy, safe way)

If you are or have ever been a doormat, journal about it. By the time you're done writing you better be a fucking goddess!

You know that guy you've been obsessing over for 3 years who's just not that into you? He's an axe murderer. So thank the universe for looking out for you and move on. Make a list of all the things you know suck about him (but were unwilling to admit yourself).

Seriously, by far, the coolest thing about Madonna: She does whatever the fuck she wants and never apologizes for it. Find your inner Madonna today and see how long you can keep her around.

Are you estranged from a family member or friend? Write down what happened to cause the rift from your side, then approach it from his or hers. Then ask yourself: "Is it more important for me to be right than to be at peace?" If the answer is yes, you're a jackass. Patch that shit up!

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